Journal

For some reason I can never end my writing on a defeated tone anymore. I just gotta put some encouragement in there. It's… probably a good thing? If you've been on my writings page today you probably know I'm not doing well at all.

Let's not talk about that now. Let's talk about the things I'm going to do once my body stops being limp and exhausted.
Writing… whatever that was is the most effortful thing I've done today.
I want to redesign the writings page in a prettier and more efficient way. Poetry clearly separated from the prose, and prose more clearly declined into groups (a lot of it seems to be painful word vomit right now, but I also write other stuff like… occasionally).
I want a full page dedicated to My Chemical Romance. Also possibly a space for my embroidery, when I have more than two (2) complete projects.
I want to decorate my living space a bit more.
I want to… uh, I'm running out of stuff here.

Another thing I want to talk about is that yesterday I've had the bestest catch up with my older cousin. Not doing that rn because I'm lacking the enthusiasm needed for my storytelling.

I know that the dread I'm feeling is just the natural course of my emotions, it'd been building up for a while and there's absolutely nothing I could've done to prevent it but uh… it's still horrible. Let's hope it gets a little bit better soon. I wish I at least knew why this happens to me so often. Oh well.

G'night folks. Going to get some dinner methinks. I'll put one foot in front of the other and at some point the day will be over and I'll get to try again tomorrow.

Ps I fucking hate mosquitoes

Ahh, it's been a few days. I think this will be a quick update because I'm about to fall asleep lol. It will also probably be full of small dumb mistakes for the same reason. Please bear with me XD

Today I had a dear friend and her boyfriend over at my place for most of the day. I had to do a lot of cleaning beforehand because the boyfriend in question has a cat allergy and my house is like a cat hair landmine XD but anyway, we had a great time!
We cooked both lunch and dinner together: we made some pretty awesome pasta and also some great pizza (plus fries etc). Here's a couple of reflections that passed through my mind during the day.

First of all, the act of cooking: I used to have a couple friends that ate at my house very often, and I recall how many times I wasn't allowed into my own kitchen to help out with the cooking because I was a "lost cause". It's not like they'd physically push me out, but they used to make constant remarks on how terrible I was in the kitchen under the guise of a joke and it uh… kinda sucked. I have very sour memories of them complaining to other friends of mine that they just "had to do everything " when they came over because I wouldn't pull my weight at lunchtime.
I think I'd kind of given up on the idea that I might ever become decent at making food, but ever since we stopped talking I've gained a lot of confidence when it comes to trying out new (or old and tested) recipes: of course I still have the occasional fuck-up, but I'm doing so much better!
So it felt kinda weird having people cooking in my kitchen again after a long time, but at some point in the midst of it I realized that my friends were helping and we were dividing different tasks among us not because they didn't trust me with our lunch, but because we were doing a fun activity together and everyone wanted to do what they were best at. It was… it was nice not being the butt of the joke, and being able to partake in making food with my friends.

Then there's another thing: I'm noticing that the dynamic I have with said friend's boyfriend is not quite like the one I have with most my other friends.
On one hand, it has something to do with the fact that I've never really been considered to be just one of the guys with the male friends I've had so far. They've usually always been weirded out by either me being trans or (most often) by me being gay (bi??? whatever) and that has always impacted those friendships negatively. In a lot of ways this is the first time I'm getting the same treatment as other guys among a friend group and that is pretty cool.
But anyway, that's not the main thing here. The main thing is that this guy just… doesn't know me very well. We've played cards a few times together and that's it. That means that he really doesn't have the same perception of me that most of my friends do, and in a way that's been really great for me. He doesn't hold back on his humor out of fear of making me uncomfortable and I don't feel pressured to keep up with the expectations on my behavior I've built over time, so I'm a lot more laid back and I can speak and joke a lot more freely than I'd normally allow myself to.
This is not to say that I feel uncomfortable around my closest friends, because I don't— there are just some sides of my personality that never ever come up, and it honestly feels weird to try and break the routine, even when I'd like to sometimes.
Some things just don't feel viable yet in my established relationships, and that's okay, but it's nice to have people with whom I can actually explore other parts of me that I usually just keep quiet. It feels like a nice clean slate, a way to push my boundaries and try something new.

It's definitely weird to try and balance how we present ourselves to different people— were I to sit at a table with this guy and any other friend of mine, I'd probably freak out. It's scary to grow and change. It feels like I have to recalibrate my tone after a whole day spent this way, but I'll maybe try not to do so too much. I'd love to feel more at ease in general.

So yeah, anyway. Did you guys know I suck at Monopoly? I always end up with no money and no properties— though I am very good at sweet-talking my adversaries out of rent and will absolutely keep playing until I physically cannot do anything anymore XD

This whole entry is probably very messy because I'm very tired. Not even sure I'll put important lines in bold. Or like, I'll do that tomorrow I guess. still posting in the meantime. I am not even going to reread this so i Hope I made sense!! Like, at least a little bit!! G'night! Gotta sleeeeeeep <3 love u all

ps i love u lots sara thank you for the great day

Today I cut my own hair for the first time. I just took a couple centimeters off and it's barely noticeable, but it took the best part of my morning anyway XD
I'm probably going to repeat the process soon.

Anyway, I'm still deeeeep into despair, so it's not like I'm getting much done at all (except for haircuts apparently). I uploaded some questionable writing last night, which still feels very accurate to how I'm feeling lately. I'm trying my best, but it's hard to hold out hope and wait for the storm to pass.

I've spent some of the afternoon cleaning up my Google docs (I started using Ellipsus last winter and have been slowly moving my important files there since then), and I came across a lot of old writing. Like, a loooot (jk it wasn't that much).
It was a bit curious noticing how much narrative I used to write up to the first years of high school. I think I'd kind of discarded the memory, but I stopped writing fiction point blank after I had to turn in a short story in my third year. That assignment was so tedious and it took so much time and energy that it just made me despise the whole genre as a whole for a while.
Most of the fiction I wrote as a child and as a young teenager I don't care for too much nowadays (ah, the curse of the perfectionist: what a shame to be a beginner at my craft), but I have to applaud the fact that I at least put in the effort.
After the halfway point of high school I started to exclusively write essays and argumentative texts— and don't get me wrong, I looove presenting and arguing my opinions properly in long text form but… God does that take a lot of studying. So I don't do that a lot either, because I always feel I should know more and find better points to make.
Then there's poetry— I do write some poetry here and there. I find great inspiration in the works of Italian poets from the 1900s, though my imitation of them is not intentional. I don't care too much for rhyming, but I love me some allitteration.
I don't write a lot of poetry, but when it does come to me, it always feels like magic.

Anyway, back to my original point: how long have I not written proper narrative in?
I tried to write a Good Omens fanfiction a couple months back (yeah, that was how much the ending left me hanging), but I barely got a couple paragraphs in (should I pick it up again?)
I fear I'm not as used to using my imagination nowadays. All I know is how to make a point and how to make it sound good.
The one piece of writing from my early high school days that I still cherish to this day is a very short My Chemical Romance crackfic: it's so utterly non-sensical that I still find it incredibly funny now. How convenient that it was written in English, because I'm definitely uploading it to my writings' page later XD

I guess I could also upload some of my very few poems there, though they're all in Italian. I guess I don't really have to stick to English 100% on this website. Yeah actually— why not post it? Someone or no one might read it, but they would be together and neat on the same page.

I miss actually putting time aside for any kind of writing in my life. This blog is great in that way— it makes me feel like I'm gaining back a space that I'd lost long ago (when Wattpad started adding ads and paywalled stories, more or less).

Thank you for taking the time to read this entry (was it meta-writing or what? The prefix "meta" is so silly). Off to upload some stuff on the other page now!
Good night

Today was… alright. The past few days have been quite hard on me.
I spent most of my morning playing Ketris and very occasionally working on the rewriting of my about page. It was… uneventful.

My afternoon was okay though. I hung out with my friend Nathan: we got some boba, we tried to study a bit and we took a walk together. Not a lot of studying happened, but hey, at least we tried! We looked at some terrible (and hilarious) books in the bookshop and he tried on a shirt that looked really great on him, but alas it was too small :')
At some point my t-shirt was folding in a way that made Gerard Way look really funny.
I'm not very talkative lately, but it still felt good to hang out with him: he is one of my closest friends and it brings me comfort to be with him. Gloominess aside, I still think there were some awesome moments to our afternoon. I also think that being sad doesn't negate the possibility of enjoying one another's company, and I hope that feeling is mutual.
I'm glad I didn't decline the invite

After we said goodbye for the day I walked to the park and I went on the swing for a while. That's what I like to do when days get a bit (or very) tough. I'm not sure that it helps me get out of my head, but I like the feeling of going uuuup and then dooooown and then up again etc.
For the first time in a few days I listened to music with words in it: very emo very angry very loud music, the kind that makes you picture yourself coronating your 13y/o self's dream of being on stage with your own band, or something like that.
I guess I must've gotten into it a bit too much because I scraped my palm just from holding onto the swing's chain too hard, ouch (it burns!!), but still… it was good.

Soooo sleepy. I think a new about me page is coming soon, but I'm having a hard time figuring out the layout.
Anyway, thank you for reading so far. A special thank you to my friend for spending the afternoon with me today, and I hope I see him soon again <3
Talk to you all soon, I hope that the next days are kind to you.

The last couple of days were quite eventful.
Today I had the pleasure of having dinner with two dear friends of mine. One of us has a lot of dietary restrictions (and I myself am not free of them, though as far as we know the only ingredient I formally can't have is dairy), so we chose to just chill at home and make ourselves some nice hamburgers.
We were lucky enough to find a type of bread and cheese that my friend could eat, and we were very careful to avoid any kind of cross contamination between our respective foods XD all in all, we had a great time and the food was amazing!! So that's one successful dinner

Anyway, yesterday I went to a new specialist for my undiagnosed (so far) chronic illness.
I was very stressed because I am used to being dismissed by doctors, but this one seemed to actually take it seriously! We talked about potential diagnosis, and most importantly we talked about pain management! I've been through countless visits and exams in the past few years, and no one had ever even mentioned to me that pain management was an option. Like, I genuinely didn't know! No one ever seemed to be concerned with the decline of my quality of life and with how much my pain affects me daily. For the first time in years (well, for the first time in general) a doctor seemed to actually want me to feel better.
So... yeah. Finger crossed that this attempt at managing my pain actually works! I can't even imagine going one day without the constant discomfort/pain and anxiety of being unwell while away from home. I really need this to work.

Doctor visits aside, I'm slowly working on a new about me page. It's mainly just rewriting the text and maybe adding a couple sidebars, but it's taking me a while because I'm so engrossed in studying for my exams (it's going horribly btw). I'll get there eventually XD

Anyway, I'm off to sleep now! Very very tired, my eyes are basically closing already. My doggo says hi <3
Have a great day/night! sending much love xx

Great news folks! I am back on Steam!
Not... not on this computer, but still! I was desperate to get back to my games, so I tried booting up my old grandfather's laptop (he's in a nursing home now, but he hadn't used it in a few years still) and see whether Steam would start on it.
It was a long and tedious process, the screen flickers a little bit and it is super slow, but we are so back!! Hell yeah!!!
I still lost all of my progress, which, well... sucks. But at least I can still play! I will miss Undertale remembering the terrible actions from my previous run though.

Speaking of terrible actions... wait, no, I'm wording this horribly!
What I meant to say is, exams are approaching, so it's finally time to crack the books open and get to work.
Of course I saved the two worst exams of the year for last, so that's really great!!! Thank you past Elliot...
There's not much I can do about it except for studying, so that's what the next days are going to look like. I also procrastinated to the very last second so I really gotta lock in now :// Whatevssss

So anyway, why was I leading the topic with terrible actions?
No, it's not that preparing my exams is actually that terrible XD
One of my next exams is uh... literary text education?? I have no idea what the hell that translates to in English. It was basically just a course on literary theory and analysis with a bunch of reflections on education on the side ('cause I'm studying to become a teacher and all that).
My prof's book spends a loooong time talking about what makes literature useful in schools and all that jazz, and it also spends quite a bit on what it means to choose the right literature for kids. He seems to be critical of picking most literature from the 1900s, not because it's bad, but because it would (and I'm almost quoting) "raise nihilistic children".
I... I don't like this book. As soon as I have the energy, I will probably be writing a lot on all the ways I strongly disagree with my professor.
There is, however, one section that I enjoyed reading so far.
It talked about how some themes in school are handled through buzzwords and cliches, and how often teachers will rely on low-quality literature that just blindly affirms the values that are being taught. The result of these mediocre choices in didactics is not only that the children do not learn, but that they also internalize the thing they are supposed to say and believe publicly, without actually understanding why.
My teacher makes an example with the topic of bullying, where the common narrative sees a poor defenseless victim and an evil perpetrator that is impossible to relate to (at most, we can feel pity for their violent impulses, but there's no actual effort to educate the child). He references a short story by an author whose name I don't remember now, where he remembers some moments from his own childhood: getting along and being kind to a kid in his class when they were alone together, but then actively participating in the bullying of the same child in class. Feeling some kind of exhilaration from it, as well. He recalls the day when this kid asked him why he acted so different when they were at school, and realizing that he had been basically living two different lives mentally and emotionally. That is when he finally knew to turn his behavior around and stop being a bully.
Now, of course there is a lot of nuance to the topic of bullying and every case is different, but the book argues (and I wholeheartedly agree) that this representation of bullying feels much more appropriate when it comes to engaging in this discussion with kids. What child is truthfully going to recognize themselves in the usual narrative of the evil incomprehensible bully, and possibly (hopefully) change course of action after hearing the same old story? Is it not much more suitable to present children with an honest account of what it can mean sometimes to be a bully? How it can happen sometimes even if you deem yourself an average, chill kinda guy?
I guess I should come back to this topic sometime when I'm not basically falling asleep XD but my point is, if we want to teach our children to navigate life and their own emotions, we gotta show them what being human actually looks like. And sure, the proper choice of literature can be a good aid in that.

God... I kind of went off on a tangent here, didn't I? Let's move on.
As some of you may have noticed, I added a writings page to this website yesterday (which I'm now realising might have been a better place for my literature related ramblings). Yay!!
It might just be the adhd talking, but making this blog is really making me want to pick up writing consistently again. We'll see what happens.

Anyway, if you've actually gotten to the end of this, you deserve a gold star or something!! Sorry if I made no sense at all, I really should go relax or sleep or whatever XD
Thank you so much for reading me!! Have a good day/night! See ya xx

Hey, just a heads up: there's mental health talk in here, and it's not looking exactly hunky-dory. What I'm saying is, this one's a bit sad. It's nothing extreme, but it might not be the most encouraging read if you're having a hard day yourself.

Sometimes people talk about feeling like they're just going through the motions: being stuck in the same old routine, same old habits. Nothing that feels exciting or worth the effort anymore.
I don't think I feel anything like that. The thing is, I feel like I'm not moving at all.
How could I feel stuck in a routine, when nothing's happening at all? What are the motions that I'm going through? How do I break out of the static?
I guess maybe some things are happening. I feel very disconnected from reality, though. Not like, every single second of the day. Some moments are fine. Some feel great, even. Most, though... barely feel real at all.
I know that sometimes my mind gets like this. I talked about it a few days ago too. I still feel a bit silly having titled the entry "summertime sadness" knowing damn well that the emptiness is not seasonal. Guess Lana del Rey was on my mind that's all.
Not everything is bad, really. I'm not even sure I'm feeling bad at all, actually. Recognizing my emotions has never been easy. I'm just confused. Either I feel good, or I don't feel anything at all, mostly.
Meow, meow, mreeeeowwww— sorry, just a small interruptions from my babies XD
But yeah. I guess I just gotta wait it out. Try to keep moving through the disconnect. Do my thing anyway. Just... not too sure how to do that.

I'm going to share a site that helped me get back on my feet today, at least for a few minutes: go take a look. It's just a basic checklist of physical and emotional needs, but it does walk you through it quite nicely. It didn't feel too intimidating either. I guess if it becomes too much, you can just close the window... or maybe skip to the next step, and see if that works better.

Will I feel better? Of course I will.
This happens way more often than I'd like (well, I'd like for it not to happen at all, but you know what I mean), but I know it is just part of what it means to experience life. Some days will feel stagnant and meaningless. I know that there's relief at some point of the future. I know there's joy, there's excitement, there's a whole lot of things I have yet to feel and experience.

A positive note? My new signature looks pretty damn good.
Have a good night and make sure you take the time to be kind to yourself. We all could use some extra care.

Hey!!! Have you noticed the music page is finally up?? Go check it out! I put a lot of time and effort into it, so I'd love for people stumbling upon this site to actually take a look at it. I even used dividers for the first time!!
I think that now that I've sort of made a very basic page layout and added some proper content to this site, it might be a good time to actually start looking into graphics. As you might imagine, though... that's very overwhelming. There are so many cool resources and other sites full of everythingggg one's heart might desire and that... that's a lot to have to look through
For that reason, I'll try to take it easy and just change a little bit at a time. I'm planning to keep it very simple anyway. Would love some more decoration eventually <3

Anyway! I was asked to turn in a cv for the job offer I got, so that's what I prepared today. It was... a lot, to be honest! It wasn't so much having to gather my (very limited) work experience that wore me out, but rather trying to work out which name to put where: ah, the joys of being trans and still having your old IDs!
This is the main reason I don't really like dealing with documents. Sometimes it actually feels like I'm trying to juggle two whole different identities, except the secret one isn't a superhero's or anything cool like that, but just... my government name lol. It's just very frustrating all around.
Anyway, my amazing friend Nathan helped me sort that out, so that's all good I guess. He has also encouraged me to try and figure out a more neutral signature between the two names so that's a fun activity for the night XD I usually just sign with my full name in cursive but that, uh, kinda sucks. And I hate doing it. So I guess he's right for suggesting I try a different solution. Shoutout to my friend Nathan for trying to make documents easier lol XD

Anyway, I don't think I have anything actually insightful to share today. Just "oh no so many cute graphics" and "sometimes being trans makes for the dumbest and most annoying problems in the world".
On a positive note, my cats have been super cuddly all day. Yay! I love them so much
Have a great night! See you soon <3

Hey, so remember when I talked about losing all the files in my computer?
Well, great news! It's all still there! I'm just not quite sure of... where. Nonetheless, it's quite the relief to know that not everything is lost. Phew!
The one actual loss from my little activities? Well... access to Steam on my computer is forever gone, I guess. Of course I can still use my account to play on other computers, but uh... yeah. I had been merrily ignoring the little red banner telling me that Steam was no longer compatible with my operative system for a year and a half now, and everything was still working okay, but messing around with my files kicked me out of my account and now the app won't start anymore :') that's just amazing, isn't it? How will I play now? Ugh...

Anyway, what was that in the title about great pasta?
Oh yeah. Just. Oh God, I love pasta so much. I already mentioned it yesterday, but one of my go-to meals when my fridge is almost empty and I'm craving a nice, hot meal is pasta with tomato sauce. I just cut up some tomatoes, throw them in a pan with some olive oil and a couple basil leaves, and let it simmer while I cook my pasta. It's such an easy fix but it is so so good and it always smells so good too! I get hungry just thinking about it (just kidding, I am definitely done eating for the night).

Moving on, today was my last day catsitting. I'll miss the little creature (though she did try to eat my arm today, ouch!)
I left a few slices of salame di cioccolato (..."chocolate salami", I guess) in the fridge of the owner, as like... a nice gesture, which I hope she'll appreciate.
What else have I done today? Oh yeah, I've finally started to work on the "music" page. I think it'll be ready to be uploaded tomorrow. It will still be very plain visually, but at least there'll be something there XD

To everyone who's read this far, have a good day/night! Sending much love xx
See you next time!

Good evening! Today was quite the fruitful day.
My friend Sara came over and we got a lot done: she helped out with working on this site, we made some amazing pasta (with tomato sauce, chickpeas and some herbs) and we even made salame di cioccolato! (Yeah, I looked up how to say in English but there is no way I am ever calling it "chocolate salami". That sounds awful.)
Not only that: we both got job offers today! In that way, it really feels like the cosmos aligned XD

So yeah: a pretty good, relaxing day overall...
However, there was a little... casualty, one might say: we won't get into how, but I accidentally deleted everything off of my computer!!! Like, everything!!!!!! Years and years of works, pictures, even all the progress on my videogames! That's hundreds of hours of playing!!
Now, I'm pretty sure I can recover at least some of it (I should have a hard-disk with a relatively recent backup somewhere...) but oh my... that was definitely something.
Oh, the irony of trying to learn how to use my devices better, and almost immediately fucking it up! Merely minutes after thinking "God, I really need to reorganize the files on my computer, this is way too messy!"... well, I suppose there's no need to do that anymore now. At least I get a clean slate to try and be tidier this time around :')

I guess sometimes this kind of stuff happens. I'll try to be better equipped to avoid it next time! I'll be taking the chance now to do the things I'd been planning to do (and procrastinating) for a long time now... like changing browsers and stuff, y'know? It's not all so bad.

Now, let's get some dinner! I wish for your day to be tender and I hope that you get some good rest. Thank you for taking the time to read this far. See ya!